226) things are getting bad again.
225) things have been good lately, but i feel like it wont last.
224) i feel like a bother to all of my friends.
223) i wanna hurt myself again. but i cant.
222) odd man out. always. second choice my entire life. gotta love it. i try too hard to get people to see me for me or who i am lets them down. disappoints them. no surprise there. i need to accept that no matter, im just part of the background. it doesnt matter what i do, significant or not. im just the background. background noise. background object. i will never be someones first choice and i need to get that through my head.
221) when i was suicidal and i had really low days i would go to the medicine cabinet, look for the medicine that pushed me over the edge, and hope it was there. if it was, i was going to secretly start taking it again so i would be depressed enough to kill myself and not see any other option.
220) hey dad, the reason im going so far away for college is because of you.
maybe I spend a lot of time away from all of you because all you ever have to say to me are things that hurt me or you say nothing at all. Why be hurt or ignored when I can just push you all away and deal with neither?
218) being single doesnt bother me. i enjoy it. theres less drama and less anxiety and im not afraid to be myself. but it wouldnt hurt to have a boyfriend. but i know i wont be able to get one, because who could ever love someone with as many issues as me?
217) i often buy bracelets so that if i relapse i have a way to cover it and no one will think its weird to see me with bracelets on.